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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27657175">mea maxima culpa</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArchangelWitnessProtection/pseuds/ArchangelWitnessProtection'>ArchangelWitnessProtection</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Captain America (Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Religious Imagery &amp; Symbolism</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 21:27:54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,709</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27657175</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArchangelWitnessProtection/pseuds/ArchangelWitnessProtection</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>End-of-CA:TWS AU - a brief look at what might have happened if Bucky had stayed just a little while longer after rescuing Steve from the Potomac, instead of leaving him for SHIELD to find.<br/>--<br/>“I didn’t give up.” </p><p>“No?” Bucky’s lips quirked up in a joyless smile.</p><p>“I didn’t give up on you.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Breathing easily was one of the first things Steve had noticed after the serum – he’d never realized what it was like to breathe the way you were meant to, as though your body had been designed to survive rather than doomed to die. But, like all good things, he’d eventually learned to take it for granted. Now, as he went to take a breath and the waters of the Potomac flooded his lungs, the pain felt hauntingly familiar.</p><p>As he lost consciousness, he tried not to dwell on the irony of dying twice in the same way. After all, there were worse ways to go.</p><hr/><p>There were metal fingers prying open his mouth, pressure on his chest. Someone was breathing for him, and now he was coughing, water spilling from his lips while he tried in vain to inhale at the same time. This was familiar too, all those fits of allergies he’d had, the bout with tuberculosis that should have killed him, so many things that should have killed him, and every time there had been this same voice –</p><p>“Take it easy. Just breathe.”</p><p>His eyelids fluttered open, and the light was blinding, glinting off something silver. Too bright.</p><p>He closed them again, and then there was nothing at all.</p><hr/><p>The first thing he saw when he awoke was more metal – an IV in his arm, and as he realized when he went to tear it out, cuffs holding each wrist to the bedframe.</p><p>“Knew you’d do that,” someone said with a snort. Steve opened his eyes – one stayed half shut, his swollen eyelid throbbing in protest. Breathing was easier, now, but the broken rib and gunshot wound weren’t doing him any favors. Bucky sat in a chair across from him, looking as though he probably should have been lying in a bed with an IV too. Exhaustion painted every line of his face in a harsh light, but his gaze settled on Steve with the weight of recognition this time.</p><p>“You remember?”</p><p>“Remember that you don’t have a shred of self-preservation? Yeah. Even if I didn’t, think I would’ve figured it out after that stunt on the helicarrier.” A shadow fell over Bucky’s expression as though he’d been reaching for humor and fallen short; he abandoned the chair. Steve tried to sit up and follow, but the cuffs were unrelenting, and he fell back onto the bed with a hiss of pain.</p><p>“Stay <em>down,</em>” Bucky snapped, unbridled frustration in his voice. “How many goddamn times do I have to tell you? I swear, I could put you six feet under, and you’d crawl out of your grave just to spite me rather than take a second to catch your breath.”</p><p>“That what the helicarrier was all about? And the bridge?” </p><p>Bucky stared for a long moment, then huffed in annoyance, turning his back on Steve to take something from a small table that was out of Steve’s range of vision.</p><p>“Didn’t have to be that close. You gave up on surviving the second you completed the mission.”</p><p>As Bucky turned around, Steve could see that he was unwinding a roll of gauze, medical tape hooked around one finger. Returning to the chair, Bucky sat down and pulled the sheet down, examining Steve’s wound with a clinical detachment.</p><p>“I didn’t give up.”</p><p>“No?” Bucky’s lips quirked up in a joyless smile. His fingers deftly began peeling the bloodied gauze back, and Steve looked away from it. Even after being injured more times than he could count, he didn’t particularly care for the sight of it.</p><p>“I didn’t give up on <em>you</em>.”</p><p>Bucky’s fingers paused for a moment before he shook his head, laughing softly as he resumed.  </p><p>“So goddamn earnest,” he said finally. His voice was still exasperated, but there was a fondness to his words that made Steve’s throat tighten. “Same look you gave me in that bar, right before you asked whether I’d come with you.”</p><p>The guilt slammed into him like a wave, choking back the hope that had begun to stir. Bucky glanced up and then made a dismissive sound, snipping the gauze free of the rest of the roll and placing it as he began to tape it in place.</p><p>“Would’ve stayed with you whether you asked or not. No chance you could have gotten me to go home.”</p><p>Steve winced as Bucky’s fingers pressed down on the gauze and he felt a nauseating spike of pain. Another glance, and then Bucky reached up to flick a small dial on one of the IV bags. The pain began to subside almost immediately, the warmth drawing over him like a blanket.</p><p>“Don’t-“ Words were harder now, his tongue heavy and awkward in his mouth, eyelids fluttering helplessly. “Don’t leave?”</p><p>Bucky’s lips quirked. “What’d I just say?”</p><p>The fog thickened until it was impenetrable, and his eyes slid shut.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When he woke up again, the IV was still hooked in, but the pain had dissipated even without the drug-induced fog to control it. He took in a long, experimental breath – even with his lungs fully expanded, there was no protest from his ribs, and the wound felt as though it was nearly closed up. Letting out the breath, Steve opened his eyes, and found the experience similarly improved from before.</p><p>The room was empty, which gave Steve time to take a better look around. It was clearly set up as a safehouse, although not the SHIELD ones he was familiar with. It was even more Spartan, if possible, and there were sinister hints of its other purposes. Thick rings in the wall, floor and ceiling. A drain in the center of the floor.</p><p>Just as he began weighing how much force it would take to yank himself free, which would probably involve ripping the whole bedframe free of the bed, the door opened. If Bucky was surprised to see him awake, he didn’t say so, instead setting a paper bag down on a table and pulling down his hood.</p><p>“You didn’t have to leave the cuffs on. I wasn’t planning on running.” When Bucky seemed to ignore him, taking items from the bag and setting them out on the table, Steve pressed on. “Appreciate the medical care, but we can’t exactly stay here forever. It’s only a matter of time before SHIELD or ex-Hydra agents track us down, and if I had to take my pick, I’d rather find SHIELD first.”</p><p>Instead of answering, Bucky reached into his pocket. As he did so, the metal arm jerked strangely, and then again – it took two tries before Bucky could make it to his side, and Steve flashed back to when he’d driven the shield into the arm during their fight.</p><p>“They can fix your arm, make sure there’s nothing in there that might hurt you.”</p><p>Still, Steve was met with only silence; Bucky appeared not to be listening at all. For a moment, Bucky’s hand convulsed, and it looked as though he might crush whatever he was holding. Instead, he withdrew his hand and crossed the room until he was looming over the bed, leaning in and crowding Steve’s space. Bucky’s fingers slid into the space between the cuffs and Steve’s wrists, closing around them and pinning them to the bed.</p><p>“When you kept trying to enlist, I tried every damn thing I could think of to get you to stop. Tipped off the recruiters ahead of time. Set you up with girls that I thought you might settle down with. Brought home job listings that you should have been drooling over. None of it worked. One day, we fought about it, and I remember leaving. Closed the door, and I thought about just barring it shut. Boarding up the windows and cuffing you to the radiator, just to keep you there. Safe. I didn’t – had to let you make your own choices, even if they were terrible ones. But I’m not the person I was then.”</p><p>The blue of Bucky’s eyes had never looked paler, set deep above dark circles carved by exhaustion. Still, Steve couldn’t find it in himself to summon fear. Bucky’s grip was tight, but not bruising – it was the grip of someone who knew that sooner or later, he would have to let go.</p><p>“I would’ve found a way out. Still would.”</p><p>“I know. Not a damn thing on heaven or earth I could’ve done to stop you from going out and playing the hero, just like there’s not a damn thing I can do to stop you from dragging yourself back to the front lines and waiting for the next chance to be a martyr.</p><p>“That’s not–“</p><p>“It’s exactly what you’ll do. It’s what you already did. Think I don’t know about the plane?”</p><p>Steve’s lips parted, and then closed again. He dropped his eyes.</p><p>Satisfied by Steve’s silent concession, Bucky’s grip eased, and he pressed something into Steve’s hand before pulling back. The contours of small key dug into his palm.</p><p>“Not your fault. I know you can’t help yourself. Not even now – not even for me.”</p><p>Drowning had nothing on this. Steve shook his head helplessly, desperation welling up as he broke his silence all at once, words spilling from him faster than he could think them through.  </p><p>“That’s not true. I’ll – we don’t have to go back to SHIELD. Or anyone.” The skepticism was clear, but it only spurred Steve on further. “I mean it.”</p><p>“And if the world needs you?”</p><p>“You need me more.”</p><p>Steve was fully sitting up now, leaning as far forward as the cuffs would permit – the metal was straining against the pull. For the first time, Bucky seemed to give it real consideration, cocking his head as though he was trying to grapple with a brand new concept, before shaking his head.</p><p>“Don’t know if the world would agree with that. Besides, I’ve…I think I’ve got some things to figure out.”</p><p>Before Steve could protest, Bucky reached up in one smooth movement and flipped the dial again, sending that same wave of warmth over him, intent on smothering his consciousness out.</p><p>“Not never, Steve. Just not yet.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As Steve’s eyelids fluttered shut, Bucky watched for a moment longer. He should leave right away – he’d need the head start, given how intent on finding him that Steve was likely to be. The serum had done its job, but Steve was still far from fully recovered. The bruise on his cheekbone was still an ugly red, bearing witness to the countless times that Bucky had driven his fist into that exact spot.</p><p>Snapping himself out of his reverie, he went and unfastened the cuffs, tucking them back into his bag. Gently, he guided the needle out of Steve’s vein, not bothering to bandage the needle mark; it would be gone in a few minutes, if that. He checked Steve’s hand to make sure the key was still there - even unconscious, Steve would be safe enough until he woke up once Bucky locked up behind him, and the key would let him leave whenever he was ready.</p><p>He checked the paper bag again, pretending that he wasn’t just delaying the inevitable now – a cheap radio that Steve could easily configure to get a distress signal out, enough food to hold him over until he could reach a town, gauze and tape to re-dress his wounds if he needed to before he was picked up. He’d checked the place thoroughly to make sure he’d left nothing behind of himself, either; if SHIELD wanted to find him, he wasn’t about to make it easier on them.</p><p>Steeling himself, he shouldered his pack, he went to the door and opened it to leave, all without looking back– but his fingers hooked around the doorframe, and he paused, lingering for just a moment more.  </p><p>It was too easy to picture Steve’s wounded expression when he would wake up in an hour or so, looking around the room for a figure he knew wouldn’t be there. It was even easier to let himself picture, just for a moment, staying here – changing his mind.</p><p>It must have been what Eve felt like, holding the apple as she lingered behind a tree, deliberating whether to offer it to Adam. The choice had been entirely hers, knowing full well that he would turn to her with nothing but trust in his heart, that he would take anything she offered him. Even if she’d felt guilt, she must also have been relieved to know that if she was a sinner, she would at least have company in her fall from grace.</p><p>Perhaps even if he’d known, Adam would have taken it anyways.</p><p>All the more reason she never should have offered him the choice.</p><p>Bucky closed his eyes, knowing that if he looked back, he would never make it. His fingers dropped to his side, and he shut the door behind him.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It had only been a few hours since they’d arrived in Wakanda, and Bucky was still restless. Paranoia was hard to shake after a few years on the run, and he didn’t imagine that Tony or the rest of the Avengers would be content to let them stay here in peace. For that matter, it was still a little difficult to reconcile T’Challa’s hospitality with the ferocity with which he’d been attacking them just days earlier.</p><p>Steve looked troubled, but Bucky suspected that had less to do with any suspicion and more to do with the circumstances in which they’d left Stark. It was a wound that would take a long time to mend – once again, one of Bucky’s making. Maybe he should have felt worse about that, but the weight of his guilt had become a familiar one; this was just one more thing to shoulder.    </p><p>“You keep reaching for it,” he pointed out as Steve’s hand grabbed at the empty air over his left shoulder for approximately the third time since they’d left Siberia. Sheepishly, Steve dropped his hand.</p><p>“Force of habit.”</p><p>“Not regret?”</p><p>“No. Leaving it behind was the right thing to do.”</p><p>“For him, or for you?”</p><p>“For both of us.”</p><p>Bucky scrutinized Steve’s face for any hint of deception but found none – Steve had never been much for lies, even well-intentioned ones.  </p><p>“T’Challa told me what you were planning to do.” Steve tapped on the glass of the tank, staring at the chamber as though it had personally offended him. Bucky could guess why. Although much it functioned much more humanely, it bore an unmistakable resemblance to the cryo chambers that Hydra had utilized.</p><p>“Buck–"</p><p>“You can say your piece, but you’re not changing my mind.”</p><p>Despite the warning, Bucky braced himself for an impassioned speech to convince him that it was the wrong decision, that he didn’t have to do this, that he’d earned the right to recover in peace and surrounded by support. It was all right, in theory, but –</p><p>But he’d nearly killed him, again. And hundreds more. It had taken him all of ten minutes in Wakanda to realize that there was no redemption he could earn, no penance he could pay, that would make him belong here.</p><p>Steve paused, frowning. Lips twitching, Bucky gestured for him to go ahead.</p><p>“Sorry. Don’t let me interrupt.”</p><p>Steve reached out, cupping Bucky’s face in both hands, and kissed him. Almost convulsively, Bucky’s hand reached up to grip Steve’s shirt, pulling him closer, dragging him down.</p><p>His mouth still tasted like blood, although he couldn’t tell if it was his own or Steve’s. He could feel the place where Steve’s lip had split under his tongue. For a few beats, he couldn’t breathe – couldn’t remember how.</p><p>It felt as though a dam was bursting in his chest, as though the whole universe had been reduced down to one single point, every rational reason to leave eclipsed by the need to make sure that this moment never, ever ended.</p><p>Finally, Steve pulled back, drawing a sharp breath, and rested his forehead against Bucky’s.</p><p>“Stay?”</p><p>His resolve wavered.</p><p>Succumbing to temptation was only human, and even sinners could be redeemed.</p><p>Reaching out, Bucky carefully swung the door of the pod shut, and drew Steve into another kiss.  </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>In case anyone is curious about the title, it comes from a Catholic confessional prayer "Confiteor" in which those reciting the prayer ask forgiveness for their sins.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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